PODCAST. Relationships, Rejection, and Retirement with Dr. Daniella Karidi.
This episode of the Wise Squirrels podcast for late-diagnosed adults delves into the world of late-diagnosed adults with ADHD. Dr. Daniella Karidi, Ph.D., CPC, is a certified professional coach and the founder of ADHDtime, a company designed to help children and adults meet their potential for success. She specializes in helping individuals with time and money management difficulties, organization, impulsivity, and goal setting. She has her doctorate degree in communication disorders from Northwestern University, Evanston, Illinois, and a masterโs degree in learning disabilities from the University of Haifa, Israel.
Today, Dr. Daniella Karidi shares her personal experience, valuable insights, and strategies for improving social connections. From coping with rejection to understanding ADHD's impact on relationships, she provides practical tips to enhance your social life. Join us as we explore the challenges and opportunities in building meaningful connections as a late-diagnosed adult with ADHD.
Episode Highlights:
Coping with Rejection:
Understand the black-and-white thinking pattern often associated with ADHD.
Recognize that rejection is not always personal and may be influenced by other factors.
Learn to communicate your feelings openly to resolve misunderstandings.
Navigating New Friendships:
Slow down expectations when meeting new people, especially those without ADHD.
Embrace the gray area and allow relationships to grow gradually.
Value of Proximity in Building Relationships:
Online friendships can turn into real friendships after meeting in person.
Physical touch and face-to-face interactions can solidify connections.
Social Media and Loneliness:
Understand the impact of social media on loneliness.
Consider joining in-person events or retreats to foster meaningful contact.
Challenges for ADHD Entrepreneurs:
Time blindness and time-magical thinking may hinder progress in business.
Motivation challenges and fear of rejection can affect productivity.
Impulsivity and perfectionism may lead to decision-making difficulties.
Understanding ADHD Across Cultures:
Cultural norms influence how ADHD is perceived and accommodated.
Different countries have varying levels of support and awareness for ADHD.
Cultural diversity impacts the experience of ADHD and its treatment.
Planning for the End of Life:
Procrastination and time blindness hinder end-of-life planning.
Consider creating a cheat sheet with preferences for end-of-life arrangements.
Beyond financial planning, include wishes for personal belongings, pets, and more.
Use technology as a helpful tool to address end-of-life arrangements.
Conclusion:
This enlightening episode explored the challenges and strategies for late-diagnosed adults with ADHD to improve their social connections. Understanding black-and-white thinking, embracing the gray area in relationships, and considering proximity are essential aspects. Moreover, we discussed cultural influences on ADHD and emphasized the importance of end-of-life planning. Join us next time for more valuable insights and practical tips on various topics related to late-diagnosed adults with ADHD.
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0:09
Welcome to Wise Squirrels, the podcast for late-diagnosed adults with ADHD. I'm your host, Dave Delaney. As a quick reminder why squirrels provides general information and it's not medical advice. The host, that's me and producers are not liable for any actions taken based on the content you hear. Always consult a health care professional for any personalized guidance. Our guest today is Daniella karate, PhD, CPC. She's a certified professional coach and the visionary founder of ADHD time. It's a company dedicated to helping individuals both children and adults unleash their true potential for success. And with her profound expertise and time and money management organization, impulsivity and goal setting, Dr. Creedy has empowered countless individuals to overcome their challenges and thrive her impressive academic background, including a doctorate in communication disorders from Northwestern University, and a master's degree in learning disabilities from the University of Haifa. Israel makes her a true authority in her field, and I apologize. Let me try it. I'm trying to get better. Today, Dr. Creedy shares her personal journey, invaluable insights and tips about retirement planning, and of life. She shares powerful strategies for enhancing social connections from navigating rejection to understanding ADHD impact on relationships. I began by asking Daniella, whether she's noticed an increase in late diagnosed adults with ADHD in the field.
1:58
I'm finding a lot more than when I started in the field. So when I was doing my PhD, in the early 2000s, I was comparing adults with ADHD to older adults without ADHD. And it was very hard to to even consider looking at adults above 55 or late diagnosis because they weren't going to be enough numbers. So it wasn't even a category in my research. Today, just from the amount that I meet in conferences and events, or the amount of clients that I get, I can tell you that that population significantly increased. I think it's amazing. I think that late diagnosis is really important. I think there is no to a too late of an age. I actually worked with individual that is 71 and has been diagnosed last year. Oh, wow.
2:57
And what was what what was the that experience like for that person? And what what led them, you know, without naming names, of course, but what what led them to be become be diagnosed.
3:09
So I give a free workshop every two months that focuses on how grandparents can help their grandchildren with ADHD, or extended family can support family members with ADHD. And someone sent it to him. And he participated. And he kept on saying that everything I'm talking about their child, the grandchild is them. And then they reached out and said, you know, do I recommend anyone to diagnose and I referred them to someone and after being diagnosed, they wanted to find ways to enjoy their retirement. Retiring with ADHD is a challenge. And I have a lot of clients that come from that world. Yeah,
3:57
what are some of those challenges, as you know, for retiring with ADHD and also, you know, I do want to talk today with with you about end of life and preparation there because I know that that's an area that you focus on. So what are some of those challenges as we get into retirement?
4:15
We know that one of the symptoms for ADHD is executive function challenges and executive function relates to organizing, planning, managing, when it comes to life for every individual in a different way. One person can be time blind, while another person can be disorganized in space. Some individuals have challenges in managing their finances, others in relationship and some and all of the above. When we have a big life transition, if it's from college to work for work to another position, or even getting married or having a kids leave to college. All those transitions affect our tax habits, strategies to overcome our executive function challenges. So maybe when you were working, you were so busy and you had a structure that now that you're retired, that lack of structure means that you're not succeeding to achieve the things you want to succeed during retirement. Also, retirements means that many times your social structure also changes. People that you would meet at work are no longer maybe in your life, in daily basis. And for an adult with ADHD, making those connections again, being proactive in your social life after a while, several years where social lace was built into your work environment becomes a challenge. I also find that some adults with ADHD want to do too much and find that the this paralysis of decision making? Well, I want to go on vacation, but I also want to go see my kids. And I also have grandkids and I also want to stay at home and read a book. So as a result, I just do nothing because I have too many decisions to make. Yeah, and that is true for for people in different life points. But when you are retired, it becomes even more of a challenge because you don't have the time confinements and restrictions that made you make decisions in a more speedy manner,
6:31
sort of analysis paralysis, kind of,
6:36
then, and then you also have the budget management challenges and the end of life planning challenges. And I will never forget the medical challenges we know statistically that individuals with ADHD have more medical challenges for a variety of reasons. And if you're also elderly or older, that adds another component to the equation, just managing all your appointments and all your medical components of your life. As an older adult. When you add add ADHD to the equation, it becomes more challenging. Interesting.
7:17
So you were mentioned some of the health problems or challenges as you get older with for folks with ADHD? Are there challenges beyond? You know, I suppose insurance and all that things, all those things, you know, God bless America. But But are there specific health challenges as you get older that are that are directly related to ADHD.
7:42
So some of it is related to the lack of knowledge of our medical professionals. And I'm generalizing here, there are out there amazing medical professionals. But at the same time, there is a high percentage of heart doctors, psychiatrist and nurses and clinicians from the variety that don't understand thoroughly ADHD. Many times provide wrong information, like I had a client that his heart and doctor told him he has to go off his ADHD meds after being on them for 20 something years, because he was adding heart medication. That is true for some cases, it's not true for all cases. So we have a combined issue. One is the lack of information of professionals that relate to ADHD. But we also have a lack of research. When you look at all the a lot of these research studies about medication, they're capped at age 55. Or so the doctors sometimes are not knowledgeable because there is no data out there. So they're not sometimes they're doing it because they're not informed. And other times because there is no information. There is also a lack of individuals that want to diagnose at older age or are willing to differentiate between a memory disorder and ADHD. That is a big issue that has been addressed lately a little bit more in the field, but definitely needs more professionals and more research. And then the third component is just the executive function challenges of managing your own health. I know personally, how hard it is to keep on keep track of my own appointments and add to that job challenges of managing the insurance and managing several medical conditions. The ADHD kind of pops in its head and has a negative effect. And again, these are all generalized statements. Everything I'm saying is kind of putting everyone in the same boat. Although we're not only single, some of us have a yacht and some of them have some of us have a kayak but we're all floating in the water. So what I'm using here are all examples that in general, a big group of people but individually with you meet an adult with ADHD you met one adult with ADHD. Oh,
10:05
that yeah, that's a great point to for everybody listening is yeah, it's it's different for different people. All right, what are some of the lesser known commonalities between those with ADHD? I mean, I know I mean, we know it's right there in the acronym. What are some other similarities? Well,
10:24
we have a joke. That's not real joke that when you walk into a room and there's a bunch of people, you can find your soulmate the other one with the attention disorder. I think that individuals with ADHD has some characters that relates to the executive functions, as I said before, which is planning organizing time management. thinking forward to the future, this perfectionism many times, but no one with ADHD has all of them and your life experiences will affect how these come out. hyperactivity when you're a child could look like running around or walking a lot. And when your adult could look like, you know, shaking your leg could look like an internal feeling of hyperness. Even if externally you can sit very nicely. A lot of the symptoms relate to not looking properly towards the future or not having a realistic view of time or not having a realistic view of managing stuff. I'll also add that ADHD is very comorbid, which means it goes together with a lot of other conditions. So learning disability is one of the common conditions that go with ADHD, but also anxiety and depression. And, and we definitely add to that. Autism, or is now being commonly perceived as something that could be with ADHD in the past, it was perceived as those things cannot go together. And today, we know that that's wrong. We also find adults with ADHD that have OCD. And then I have a friend that always says, Wait, but I thought ADHD are disorganized people. So comorbidity works like that. It sits sometimes on the opposites of the same problem. And it doesn't always fit our stereotypes. Yeah,
12:26
you made a point A while ago, that that has stood out to me in my mind, which is, you know, I know the there I've done my own research into studies, not my own research, but in, you know, into the studies of around loneliness, which is something I was feeling quite a lot, especially during the pandemic. And I believe there's a study that found that, you know, something to the effect of paraphrasing here, but about like, it's like the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day. That's kind of the health, the health ramifications that are caused by loneliness. And there's a book that I really enjoyed called Blue Zones. by Dan Butner and Blue Zones, he talks about, you know, these different areas, different countries, or regions of countries, where people live the longest and healthiest as well. And he studied these regions and found commonalities between them. And, and one of those commonalities was having a strong social circle. And so getting to your point about, you know, for folks that are getting older and retiring, and are losing that connection to friends at work, are there strategies that you share for folks and retirement or, you know, approaching those years to reconnect or to find more folks to connect with? Definitely.
13:52
I think when we think about retirement, we many times imagine this lonely guys fishing or someone on a boat by themselves. And really, what we should be thinking about retirement is actually a bunch of people playing cards together, or a group at church, or volunteering with other people at a soup kitchen, we should be thinking about the social interactions that are meaningful to the individuals. So one of the exercises I do with clients is I asked them to write all the places where they think they can meet at least one person in their life at the moment, if it's when they go to the doctor's office, or if it's the church or the synagogue, or if they are a gardener at the gardening shop. So it's creating lists of places and then we think about groups that interact in those places. So I have worked with mom that is absolutely not retired, but her kids left to college. And she is an empty nester. And she feels this loneliness that comes from losing that group of parents that she used to meet with her kids at pickup and drop off. She works at home, which is now more and more common. And she is missing that routine and that group of friends, and we were talking about other ways to bring that social back into one's life. I think what I'm trying to say is it has to be a goal, a proactive activity in any stage of our life. But there are transition points where we even have to be more proactive to overcome the loneliness, and the aloneness that we feel.
15:51
That's interesting. It's funny, because I, I co founded or I founded two monthly networking events, here in Nashville that I ran for years, and also co founded to kind of free community conferences kind of thing. And I always love to be the in the center, like I always love meeting lots of people now I'm very extroverted. So that feeds into my personality. But you know, but what I realized years later is I don't have many deep connections. And it's only now after being diagnosed with ADHD myself, where I realize so much of, of my experiences are directly related from from ADHD. So for example, like, you know, decision fatigue, like trying to decide on what group I should join, or what networking event I should attend, and then not doing any. Right.
16:46
And, and also that we have a component of fear of rejection. I think everyone has it, but ADHD ears have a higher sensitivity and fear of rejection. And that adds to the difficulty of making meaningful long term relationships, and even starting something new. I will give an example from my own life because that way, I'm not exposing any clients. I submitted to present at a conference, I submitted to two components of a conference, and I got accepted only to one component, everyone got accepted to only one, it says it clearly in the email that they decided no one gets to present in two parts of the conference. But I felt rejected for not getting accepted to part a no real good reason they chose my presentation, I am still going to be presenting at the conference. But I still felt this strong feeling of rejection. Because I only got one of what I applied to wasn't logical. And when I talked with neurotypical individuals, they don't have as much that experience. They still may feel rejection, but but not in many as many points of the time that I find myself feeling it.
18:17
That's interesting. Yeah.
18:19
So what and what I've been hearing from other individuals with ADHD, and from some of the research is that it partially relates to the fact that yes, we might have had more rejections, which is possibly true. So that's one component. The other component is that negative of negative events tend to stay stronger in our memory. If we have memory challenges, which is one of the symptoms of ADHD, what we find in research again, and again, with a lot of populations in anxiety, depression, ADHD, even dementia and Alzheimer's, that negative effects tend to stick negative events stick to our memory more. So if you experience more negative effects, and negative effects, stick to your memory more, it makes logical that you will project and perceive things more negatively in the future.
19:17
That's interesting. So how do you deal with vault first of all, how do you deal with that fear of rejection, which I've certainly felt many times, and I wouldn't even I wouldn't even go as far as to say that I would probably mask it through alcohol. Now I quit drinking three years ago. But, you know, go into the pub, I lived in Ireland for a couple of years and a lot of my friends in college, you know, they are even younger. You know, we would always gather at bars and you know, music venues and places like that. And so I feel like the alcohol probably helped. I didn't help of course certain way, but tell me like are some, some tactics or some some tips about this? Yeah, it
20:06
sounds like you're using alcohol to self medicate. But yeah, yeah, I think that the there's a variety of tactics to be used. The first one is, what I use in this case is I admitted that it's going on, I admitted it out loud that I feel rejected. Instead of trying to hide it, instead of trying to like put on a happy face and say, Hey, I got in, even though inside I feel like I'm like rejected. So not masking it, not hiding it and speaking out loud, then I, it helped me find out that other colleagues that got accepted, felt similar. So finding people that have similar experiences in life, also mitigate some of the challenges and admitting that in thinking before the process starts about what will happen if I get no. So when I submitted, I imagined getting the Yes, but I also considered what will happen if I get the No. So I kind of planned for the consequences of being rejected a bit. And then it wasn't as shocking or surprising or insulting. But that works as long as it doesn't stop you from pressing the submit button. So if imagining the know makes you not follow through, then that's not a strategy for you. Right. And then the last strategy that I have to actively remind myself of sorry about that. That's, I have to actively remind myself that this is a person that doesn't know me, that is saying no, because of XY and Z, and not because of me, well, they said no, because they have so many applications. And I'm excited to go to this conference and listen to all these amazing people. So why am I mad, you know, so looking at the real components behind behind what happened. I would add that when the note is related to other people, like I was planning a dinner with a bunch of friends and a friend of mine said she couldn't make it. And then she sent like a picture of her on the sofa. And I felt very rejected, like she chose the sofa instead of coming to my event. And then I kind of confronted it to her in a way that wasn't confrontational in a way that I let time pass, I calmed down and I said, Hey, I kind of felt a little rejected, because you chose the sofa over me. And she wrote, you know, I had food poisoning, I was finally proud that I made from the bedroom to the so far I should have I should have communicated with you. And then I felt less rejected because really, it wasn't about not coming to my event it was about her being sick. In the past, that could have caused us to our friendship, I would have just kept that rejected feeling so much for so long, that at some point, we would have kind of lost our friendship because that would have had a negative effect. I've
23:30
experienced that firsthand as well, where where I, I would reflect on on a friendship, let's say, and, or like a newer, younger friendship. And it's you know, somebody I like and you know, as after coffee, and we go for coffee, and you know, and have a good time. But then, over time, they don't reach out to me. And I try a couple of times. And for whatever reason it doesn't work. So then after the fact I think well, you know, I'm going to try again. But after a while I started to kind of resent them. I think like okay, if this person is not going to invest in my me as a friend by reaching out to say hello, or text me or call me or anything, then forget them. You know, I was and I have actually sent like a curt kind of text in the past that was like, Hey, I wanted to be friends. But you know, clearly you're too busy. So don't worry. I probably could have handled it better.
24:32
I think what you're describing is a very ADHD black and white thinking. Because it's so challenging for us to use our executive function to look through all the possibilities to plan to to not be impulsive. It's so much easier to look at the world very black and white. More like a sum of one and zero and nothing in between. And that comes not because we're naive or Chai audition some people think that black and white thinking is a mechanism and a strategy that helps us process information quicker. And we like processing things quicker. It helps us make decisions quicker. We have decision fatigue, we have perfectionism, we have impulsivity. And looking at the world, black and white helps us use all those tools kind of, but it hasn't negative consequences, the black and white thinking, because it works. So, so many times in the past, we keep on using it. And when it comes to social interactions, gray is always a winner. So I think that one of the tools I tell my clients is when you're starting a relationship, especially when we're talking about a new network, a new club, a new group, start with the expectation that everyone wants to be your friend, but no one needs to be your friend.
26:02
I like that.
26:05
I like that a lot. And then from there, everything could happen in baby small steps, you're not going to go to this meeting and come out with your best new friend right away. Older adults are judged here, they keep guard more, they had bad experiences in life. And they will not always open as quick as ADHD adults open. So you need to slow your expectations and slow your speed in what you're expecting to be your next best friendship.
26:41
It is so funny because I'm totally guilty of that. Like when I meet somebody new, I'm right away. I'm like you're my best friend. Kinda like my dog.
26:52
The thing is that the dogs, they walk away and they forget, they don't keep it with them. They're like, Wait, I didn't eat before Oh, my God, you smell so good. Really need time. And what is amazing is our adult ADHD brain kind of speed for some of this. And if we're trying to build relationships with individuals without ADHD, we have to sometimes slow down that speeding forward or at least give them time to catch up to us. Do
27:23
you have any thoughts on the Well, certainly the value but the need for proximity in building relationships with ADHD or even without. And I'm an early adopter in social media. And I've been you know, I've been on all the social networks forever and, and online forever. But I've come to realize that the real it's like your online friendships turn to like real friendships when you finally meet in person, and there's a physical touch, a handshake, a high five, a hug. And it sort of solidifies relationships. Do you have any any thoughts to that? Versus just Digital's just social?
28:09
So I have a million thoughts, because so I'll start with the basic, it's very individual. Like a lot of things there are people that there's always the stories that people have wrote letters for 10 years, and then finally met and they were perfect, and people that that's you know, pre Internet, and others that could build a relationship over letters and actually only became friends with the people they can meet every day in their village. I think that it's a lot about an individual. But I will add to the fact that when you get a text that says something or a message that says something like, Oh, congratulations, I'm so proud of you. That is different than when when you get the smile, the hug, the excitement that someone shares with you, when you see them and they say the same message. That message has other layers of information when you meet someone live. So the same words without the additional layers of information means that you're remembering it less you're feeling it less you're getting the less of it. So if I sent you a congratulation message versus even a review recording of congratulation because then you can hear my voice and see my face. Those extra informational points, help it stick more to your memory and stick more to your positive feelings. That's why I like sending people video messages.
29:45
That's interesting. You mentioned before that or maybe you didn't mention that but we talked we talked briefly before hitting record and you mentioned that you work with artists with ADHD who are trying to create businesses and Is that part of that strategy of of creating videos maybe as part of that communication outreach for new clients.
30:10
So I like working with solo entrepreneurs in general, people that are struggling to get a business plan, get their business up, people that really need the support and not feel alone in this obstacle of creating a business. I found that artists with ADHD have an additional struggle, the creativity, the artistic component, plus the ADHD adds another layer of challenge. And if you're working from home and you're selling your stuff on Etsy, or Tik Tok, or consider whatever, choose the Choose a social network, you also sometimes have the loneliness that comes from not being in your office for not leaving for not going for being in that little bubble that is an unlined world. So this solo entrepreneurs with artists is a group that that we work with, actually, we're starting a new group in September, where other solo entrepreneurs can meet together. And we do coaching where we try to work on goal directed behavior. Your goal could be different from another entrepreneur, like your goal could be planning your social media for the next six months. And someone else goal could be just making sure that take a shower every day. But those goals are very related, and finding others that are that are working on their girls with similar challenges helps. And that's the kind of group that I like working with. Yeah, you
31:45
probably because you have that accountability partners involved as well, I suppose. Right?
31:50
So it's accountability partners, it's that knowledge of different brain hacks. It's the idea that you can talk out loud, with other people that will never judge you for you know, complaining about that. The whole idea that we had an artist that suddenly sold got went viral, and suddenly, so he was one that was working one on one with that suddenly sold a lot of his product, and it actually caused so much stress. And it made him be afraid of rejection, when he put out his new product. It caused all these ripple effects that he thought he's the only one experiencing. And by having someone to talk with about to, to overcome to build strategies and hacks and also an accountability partner, as you said, he has launched his third product now successfully.
32:48
That's great. I find one of the I wrote a blog post two years ago, called the biggest business lie. And the lie, I wrote a book about networking. And I have a website about that too. kind of obsessed with with networking nicely and doing it the right way. But the biggest business lie is when you meet somebody at a networking event or a conference and they you ask each other like, Yeah, how's business? And and if business isn't great, you still say, Oh, it's great. Never better. You know, if you would just have the mic, I was making the case. And if you just had the courage to tell the other person who will actually things aren't great right now, and I'm trying to find a new client, that's a good opportunity for that other person to perhaps provide some value and maybe an introduction, something like that. Yes.
33:33
And I think that we you brought up something that is the I'm blanking out on the word in English, when you feel like you're a fraud,
33:43
and also imposter syndrome. Yeah,
33:46
I find that a lot of individuals with ADHD can be the best of what they're doing and still have the imposter syndrome. Specially a higher number if they're also women. Where what happens is they want to learn one more thing. Okay, I'll just take one more course on this. And because ADC is our internal learners, you find that, oh, I can't start my business yet. Because I don't know how to do payroll, or I can't sell my business. And because I don't know XYZ fill in the blank. I will say something I'm going back to that topic you said before. I'm starting a retreat because I feel that people want the contact with other people. And I know that I'm not the only ADHD coach is starting to offer retreats. And I think that the reason people are starting to offer retreats is because people are lacking opportunities for real, meaningful contact.
34:54
Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. I think retreats are I think they're a great idea. I've been in my At my regular day job, part of what I do is work with leaders of organizations. And a lot of those companies have gone hybrid or fully distributed, fully remote, and I'm making the argument that they need to bring their teams together, you know, in house, because if you don't have friends, or no people at work, you're less likely to stay there, you're gonna quit and go somewhere else as soon as the opportunity arises. So there's a lot to be said there.
35:26
So if you're a solopreneur, or have your own business or a small business, and you also have ADHD, the idea of going away for a weekend or a short set of time and meeting others with the same challenges as why I build my retreat, my retreat is going to be about working towards your best business plan. But really, it's about making those connections and meeting others that going through the same challenges. Absolutely.
35:56
What are some other common challenges you're seeing in the business owners solopreneurs that you work with.
36:03
So the time blindness has a very negative effect. For the time magical thinking, as I like to say, the problem of boring tasks. The motivation challenge, we find that being consistently motivated is a challenge I hear a lot with individuals with ADHD in the business world. I also think that the fear of rejection and the imposter syndrome always coming to effect in in when you're a business person, but when you don't have others, to give you feedback. When you're not coming into the office and meeting letters, or you don't have a team, even if it's a virtual team, then you don't get consistent feedback, positive or negative. So the little feedback you do get has very meaningful effects. Add to that the social media world, which I don't think I need to elaborate, I think it's a challenge for any solo entrepreneur. And then the loneliness that you brought up before, I think is a big component. The organizational challenges if it's organizing their space, if it's organizing their brain, if it's organizing their their ideas, and then the impulsivity it is very hard to make business decisions if you have the combined component of impulsivity. And also perfectionism, which I find comes a lot together.
37:41
This all resonates well with me. So you got your doctorate degree in Communication Disorders from Northwestern, and then your master's degree in learning disabilities for an IT haisa Haha. I thought the University of Haifa in Israel. And I know you've spent a couple of years in Montreal and I'm from Toronto originally. So tell me a little bit about your you're in Siena right California now.
38:11
Yes. Okay. Right outside LA. Yep.
38:13
Yeah. So tell me a little bit about how ADHD is interpreted in different countries. I mean, you've got Canada and Israel and of course the US. So any any thoughts there any countries doing it better than others? I
38:27
think there is a very important cultural components when we look at any mental health. And when we look at any invisible disability, and any neurodiversity, any of those three things, there is a cultural component. If you are from a culture where I will give an example, like in Israel, it is very common for people to be very loud talk with their hands, close to each other, on very quickly. The speed of everything that's happening is very fit for the ADHD brain. I have a friend that lives there and always jokes that you know, it's a whole nation that's hyperactive, but it's compared to the American or the Canadian culture. So in Canada, if I would speak in the same speed and sensitivity close standing so close to you, as I do when I am in Israel, then you'd feel uncomfortable. And that is all cultural cues and agreements and social norms. So the ADHD brain might do better in those different environments. And again, it's very individual. So if you are the ADHD, hyperactive, you might do very well in that Israel versus the ADHD. That's more on the OCD side or anxiety side, you might do better in Canada or saying that that is such a generalization. Yeah, I do think that there are societies that provide more support than others to the invisible disabilities in general, both Canada and Israel are public health. Public health has its benefits and its challenges, the benefit is a lot of the treatment, a lot of the support is included in your health. The in so you don't have to pay extra, right, the challenge is that sometimes you might wait a year or two to get service, there is less providers per person, you sometimes don't get to choose your provider, you get the provider assigned to you. Sometimes, if you have one another opinion, it's very challenging. So the social medicine versus non social medicine can really affect how we're treating invisible disabilities. I will just give the accommodation issue. Getting accommodations in public schools in Israel in high school is significantly easier than getting accommodations for learning disabilities and ADHD or any mental health than it is in Canada or us. Because it is built in the system, there's a very high awareness, since evaluations are done through the school systems, since there's maybe less privacy, that's the cost of it. So there's cultural differences that definitely definitely affect the way these different disorders are being treated in the in the environment they're in. But even in the US, you could move from city to city or state state or college to college and lose your accommodations, you could be working in one place where they will say, Oh, you want a cubicle with like some separators. Because you can get distracted, no problem will work and then replace, and they'll say, Nope, this is when you have no accommodations, you can apply to be a firefighter in some states with a severe reading disorder and get your test read to you. While in other states, if you can't pass the test without having reading accommodations, then you cannot be a firefighter. So there's inconsistency within the country between the countries and within the country, too. If we're talking about older adult diagnosis, the differences are even bigger. I think that there are states where it will be very hard in the United States to receive providers that will evaluate you that it's it's very hard to get services, it's hard to get medication versus other states where it is more available. And I don't even want to add the component of work environments, where you could be moving from an office in New York to an office in Arizona and suddenly within the same company, and suddenly your accommodations are a challenge. Interesting,
43:16
interesting. So I'm being mindful of the time here. But I did want to ask you that we touched on it a little bit earlier, about organizing for the end of life, you know, that ultimately will come that comes for all of us. Any tips for folks to sort of prepare for that? So
43:35
I will say I'll start with saying I give a ton of workshops on this. And really the reasons I find that I'm giving these workshops is because it's it's something challenging, we feel it's something we don't want to talk about. As a society. I feel that when I meet with people, there are like, three things like they're not really happy to talk with me how much they make their sex life and what they want, when they die, how they see their death. There's a lot of reasons why people don't talk about those three topics. The topic of end of life is hard to address, because in addition to the culture challenge of talking about what how we see our end of life, it's also because we are time blind. And it looks to us that it's going to be very, very, very, very far away and we always have tomorrow to plan it. So I started getting involved in planning and thinking about these things. After reading a book, in case you get hit by a bus. And it made me think about the possibility of what will happen if I leave all these things. What are the consequences of leaving these things for tomorrow? And I'm not only talking about financial planning, which is number one, planning for retirement and end of life that we need to think about, we need to think about how we will live live in afford, you know, if we are sick or how we can afford that period of our life that retirement, that's one component. But the other component is, what are we going to leave behind? Will our kids know how to or our grandchildren or our friends know how to access the important information? Will they will we be leaving behind that browsers that we don't want other people to see? What is the digital trail that is going to be left after us what's going to happen to our stuff, there is another book that during COVID became very popular, and it's the Swedish end of life cleaning, I think is the title sorry, I'm not 100% sure about the title. But it's another book that kind of talks about the stuff in our life, and how there are ways to keep our stuff but still decide who we want it to go to. And there are stuff that we can get rid of, this is a great point to evaluate our stuff. So planning for the end is not only about making sure you have a financial plan, a trust a will, but also that you have a plan about who what's going to happen to your stuff. If you have any animals, different states have different rules about what happens to your animals, if God forbid, something happens to you. So it's very important to add them when you're thinking about the end of life. So kids, animals, plants, are things we need to be thinking about when we're thinking about the end of life. But we also need to think about the steps that lead us there. You know, some people unfortunately, like the book says get hit by a bus and it's a sudden thing. And other people have an opportunity to plan. And in that opportunity to plan we we can think about how the funeral might want to be but also, do we want to if we get really sick do we want our family to? Are we one of those people that want to be home with our family, or we really don't want our family to care for us, we wouldn't rather be in a nursing home. Sometimes people have strong feelings about those things. And if they're not written somewhere or communicated with someone, those wishes can get lost. Other times people don't have a feeling. So one of the things I like to do with people that participate in my workshop is put some of these questions out there in a form of a questionnaire and have let people have the opportunity to put an answer if they have one. And many times we don't we don't know, sometimes when we're in our 40s or 50s, or 30s, what we want to do, and it's okay not to know, but other times we have a clear opinion. And then in that case, we should put it in a way that other people can access it.
48:05
So just like a written, I mean, you can get a complicated well, and with a lawyer and all that stuff, but even just writing it out and having it somewhere available should you know should the bus come fly in Agia even doing something like that would probably help you think
48:26
I think the will has a different purpose because the wills about money and assets. And the will is about how to to address your your all the things in your life. And that's also important. But this cheat sheet could be what you would use to go write your well, with a professional. When you walk into the door with that professional, you need to know not only they put in the will, your account number sometimes will more if you have a trust deed put that information in the trust. But the difference between a will and a trust is one of the things I talk about in my workshops. But this cheat sheet is that you design is about understanding what you want to do when you come into that room. So if you're meeting with with a lawyer and you want to build a will or if you're going and using you know, you know these like online services that give you a will for $100 You need to fill out some information in that paper. So it's important to process that decision making before you impulsively put that information. So what you do to prepare to the end of life is think through and write down those things. What not only who gets X, Y and Z but how you want to live towards the end and how you want your end to look like yeah,
49:46
this is helpful. Thank you. Danny, Daniela, is there anything I haven't asked you about that you wanted to mention? I want to be keep an eye on the time for you. But is there something I did I fail to ask Well, I
50:01
got into the world of coaching, ADHD, because I have ADHD and learning disabilities, I have the double gift of both. I am severely dyslexic. And I used dictation in the time that no one even heard about it. So I was one of the first users of Dragon NaturallySpeaking, when it was not even called driving Naturally Speaking. It was actually a very, very early adaptation. So I overcame the the reading and writing challenges using technology. And I think that, that is a hack that I use to to to overcome a challenge. And when we talk about ADHD, and learning disabilities, or other invisible, we keep on talking about different ways to overcome challenges. And as an ADHD coach, I feel like 90% What I'm doing is helping an individual find the way that works for them now. And these ways will always work. And I had to learn to, for instance, to let go of Dragon NaturallySpeaking keep on looking at all these new stuff out there or the you know, dictating a short message with the text on my phone, adjusting the use of technology adjusting the hack to the new needs to the new life. And I think that many people believe that they don't need help, because they figured it out, and they get stuck on a strategy that is not no longer working.
51:42
That's interesting. So almost, it almost sounds like a great idea as to as to kind of brainstorm that hacks that you use, like write them out. And then you know, refer back to that from time to time to think about what you could improve or, you know, because to your point. Yeah, there's, I mean, you fire up Google Docs. And that's got the, you know, that's got trends, or one of my tracks dictation. Yeah. Right. Exactly. And dictation and all that stuff. So, yeah.
52:12
So I think that one of my favorite questions to ask when someone brings up a challenge is what worked in the past? And then I would say, do you think it would work again? Or do you think you need to consider another strategy? I think that sometimes we forget things that worked. And we can go back and use those in our bank. Excuse me. Sometimes we have strategies, I, I like to have an eraser board in my shower, I get a lot of good ideas there. I know a lot of people with ADHD, when they're thinking about something else. And we have great ideas. And I used to put these ideas there and then never refer to them again. So this strategy of putting the idea in the shower did get it off my head. And I felt like I didn't lose it. And I felt relief. But I didn't go back and do anything about it. Now, I have this thing that once a week, I do a 10 minute cleanup in my bathroom, where I put things away. And I also take a picture of that board. It's part of like my cleanup, I just take a picture of it. So those ideas don't get really lost. And I can refer to them and I can use it. And I kind of have a record of all these ideas. Now. I had a partially good strategy, but not it wasn't fully thought through and it wasn't really fully fully solving the problem. When I when when I went and said okay, why isn't this working? What is lacking? What is missing? If I evaluated the strategy, it gave me an opportunity to improvement.
53:59
Yeah, that's clever. That's clever. And they do Yeah, they make those dry erase boards for the showers. I might have to invest in that too. That's a great idea. Daniela, this has been awesome. Just your your wealth of information. So thank you for sharing your, your smarts with us. How can people learn more about you know, the workshops and all the great work you do. So
54:21
you can find me at my website, ADHD time.com. Also, I'm ADHD time in Instagram and on Facebook. And I advertise all those and your upcoming events.
54:35
Excellent. And I will make sure to keep or include links to everything we spoke about here in the show notes so folks can refer back to that. So with that, Daniela, thank you so much. I appreciate your time and your your wisdom today.
54:48
Thank you. Thank you.
54:53
Hey, thanks for listening to wise squirrels. It has been amazing to share this with you The best way to show your support for the show, leave us a review for the show and share it with the people in your life. We drop new episodes every two weeks. So stay tuned for that. Plus dropped by Why squirrels.com or click the link in the podcast description and you'll find a lot of different resources like articles a, an assessment newsletter, lots of good stuff over at wise squirrels.com. So drop by let me know what you think. And we'll see you next time. Take care
